So I've been going through this sort of writer's block. I guess that's what it is. That is to say, I still have good ideas, great scenes, characters, etc bouncing around in my head. Pushing against my skull,trying to leak out my ears to the page. But I can't. I can write a short story still. Just wrote a good one. A fucking love story from the guy who hates love stories and will most likely never experience a love truth. But that's another blog entirely.
I just can't pull the trigger on this book though. I've tried writing my way out of it. I KNOW the novel is the best writing I've ever created. I KNOW this can be great. It never will be if it's never written then shared though. And that brings me to my owning up to being a whore. In a sense.
I've identified the problem.
I don't have faith in myself. My first novel I submitted the hell out of. This was met with mixed results. Some houses wanted to see it. Some agents were interested. I even got to speak to Dominik Abel--Dean Koontz's agent. But, in the end was met with rejection. I was even prompted to write a short story about rejection which was then published. It would seem I'm an expert on rejection. You see, I'm not a romantic. I'm not going to pretend for one goddamned second that I write for me only. I'll never say, "but at least I got this story out of me." That's a lie. I write for praise. Without praise, my writing is just a hobby. I'm not deluded. A lot of writers are. They self publish, convicting themselves, friends, and family that, "This is the wave of the future. This is Me sharing my story with everyone." If everyone includes that same captive audience.
A whore may be as such for a variety of reasons. Attention, enjoys it, gets paid, mental mumbo jumbo. I am for all of the above. I want it all. Form a train and drive, drive! But I'm met with puritans. So to speak. And maybe it's because my writing isn't good enough. Maybe it's for lack of luck. Or both.
But it's hard to write a novel knowing it may never be read. Friends, family: I don't want to whore out myself to you. That's gross. I've decided that today I will submit, submit, submit before I continue writing TUG. Perhaps every now and again when a scene takes shape I'll jot it down. But I need my confidence back to be the whore I always dreamed of being.